Okay, so Samuel Adams didn’t really have that interesting of a life… we can fix that….

Samuel Adams was born on September 27, 1722. Yes, on his father’s dude ranch. I know what you’re thinking: “There were no dude ranches in Boston!” well you’re wrong! Dead wrong! Samuel Adams Sr.’s dude ranch was the only one ever recorded in Boston’s history.  Now that you know that incorrect fact, you can learn more about Sammy’s interesting life. Next, Sammy’s parents sent him off to boring old Boston Latin School. I have no clue why they called it a Latin school… Latin’s a dead language for crying out loud! But that’s beside the point; the point is that he went there. Then our old chum Sammy went to Harvard University. You’d think someone born on a dude ranch might not go to such a refined school, but guess what: wrong again!

When Sammy was a bit older (yes, they grow up so fast in my stories!) he decided to work in his father’s brewery. That really didn’t work out so well, seeing as he came home every night with a new “lady” (and no, although you thought instantly of her, he did not bring home Betsy Ross), and always smelt of ale. His mother decided to disown him if he went to the brewery again so he became the clerk of the market. That may have been alright for Sammy, but not for George Washinghimer—excuse me, George Washington. Wait… I’m not event talking about him at all… oh well… So back to Sammy we go! Sammy eventually moved on with his life and became the tax collector for Boston. He didn’t really like that job because he had an inherent loathing toward all enemies of Bostonians. He really hated the Sheriff of Rottingham from the popular story Robin Hood, Men in Tights.

Well, since all of these jobs weren’t working out for him, he decided to become one of those boring politicians. So that sounds boring, and boring it does sound, but Sammy was better than all of them! He would show them all! Mwahahahahahaha—oh, I… forgot you were there… anyway; Sammy would be a protesting politician! He protested night and day! And you thought a man who protests all the time would never meet a fine woman! Ha! Well, wrong again, blockhead! He met Elizabeth Checkly. They had some kids, but that’s all I feel obliged to tell you about them and their… um… love life… Okay, so Sammy was a politician… Where were we again? Oh! Yes! He protested, protested against the acts from England upon the American Colonies. They were defiantly bugging him. Once, Sammy got so mad at the taxes on tea that he planned the whole Boston Tea Party! You may be surprised to know that the Boston Tea Party was not originally planned to be how we recall it in our history texts. Originally, Sammy wanted to invite the Brits over for tea, and while they were there, before their very eyes, and upon their very laps, Sammy and his boys would dump their tea. This plan, however, got Sammy known widely as a “sissy” and a “pansy ass” and the Boston Tea Party as we know was formulated. In order to dispel his reputation as a “pansy ass sissy,” Sammy started the Sons of Liberty, a large group of terrorist/patriots designed to destroy the British. They were some sort of 1700’s version of the Terminator.

After much good work as a terrorist/patriot, the freedom of the United States was finally won and Sammy was able to retire as the Governor of Massachusetts, which was probably our worst decision yet… or our best… Somewhere around this time, his wife died… I wonder what… or who, rather did it… Anyway, he remarried Elizabeth Wells (he apparently had an Elizabeth fetish).

So. Sammy remarried Elizabeth II, was Governor, and did some more boring stuff, and then he died. Pretty normal life, eh? I guess that’s it for now…